Marie Jacinthe de Botidoux to Martha Jefferson (Randolph)
editorial note
The text that follows is part of what Botidoux referred to as one of her “journal” letters. The Editors have broken this manuscript, which spans nearly three months, into sections dated as Botidoux dated them, and grouped each transcription together with its translation. Unless otherwise noted, Botidoux’s original punctuation and spelling have been retained. Links to navigate from one dated section to another appear below.
To “journal” beginning 1 May 1790To previous “journal” entry 1 May 1790To next “journal” entry 9 May 1790
7 May [1790]
je vais te racconter une de mes petites bêtises pour que tu puisse te Moquer de moi à Ton aise je Crus Lire dans une Lettre de Curson il y a 15 jours quelle avoit recu de tes nouvelles depuis que tu etois en amerique. je me Mets à pleurer Comme une folle enfin au bout de deux heures, sanglottant encore et faisant des soupirs a allumer un brasier je t’écris une Lettre La plus sentimentale possible, qu’il faut que tu M’aimes bien peu pour donner La preference à Curson sur Moi—que j’etois bien Malheureuse d’avoir placé une partie de Mon bonheur dans ton amitié & & Le Lendemain que j’etois un peu appaisée je vis fort bien que Ces tendres reproches ne serviroient qu’a te faire eclater de rire, d’ailleur je ne pouvois pas decemment te récrire avant d’avoir eu de tes nouvelles (je te L’avois juré dans Cette Lettre) et j’en Mourois d’envie ayant toutes Ces histoires a te racconter. je pris Mon parti C’etoit de t’ecrire Cette Lettre sans te rien parler de Cela et à La fin j’aurois fait semblant de recevoir dans Le Moment La Lettre de Curson, je t’aurois alors fait Les reproches et La promesse de ne plus t’ecrire sans avoir de reponse—tout Cela fort bien arrangé Comme tu vois C’est qu’en relisant La Lettre L’autre jour je vois que C’est tout Le Contraire de Ce que j’avois Cru et que Curson se plaint de n’avoir pas eu de tes nouvelles. me voila donc tranquille de Ce Coté, mais Malgré Cela je t’avoue que voici La dernière Lettre que je t’envoye sans re voir de reponse et que tu peux Compter ne plus entendre parler de Moi si tu ne M’écris [. . .] pas. tu est vraiment incroyable de n’avoir écrit à personne depuis 6 Mois Lady Elisabeth me dit quelle Croit que ton pere te L’a deffendu Cela n’est pas possible Car Cela n’auroit pas Le sens Commun, a quel propos t’auroit il fait Cette defence? il y a un Mois que Mde De Villiers dit quelle priera Mr [. . .] Shurt de venir prendre du thé pour que nous puissions parler de toi. si elle ne L’en prie pas Ces jours Ci je Lui enverray toujours Cette Lettre Car je veux quelle parte par Le paquebot, en Lui envoyant La derniere je Lui ai Marqué que je Commencois a Croire qu’il avoit raison de me dire qu’aussi tot arrivée La bas tu ne te souviendrois plus de tes amies. je Meurs d’envie de Le voir pour savoir si il est tout a fait guerri. je Le Crois, tu ne vaux pas La peine qu’on s’attache à toi j’ai eu hier une petite scene fort plaisante avec D. il y a Long tems que je me defie quelle est un peu jalouse de moi pour La harpe. nous avons a peu près Le même Nombre de Lecons et je Crois quelle n’est pas très Contente de n’être pas aussi forte et que C’est La raison qui L’empêche de jouer ici. je Lui dis L’autre jour que j’allois prendre un Maître De Composition, elle se Mit a riccaner et a me faire Compliment sur Mon futur talent—Cela passe et je ne fais pas semblant de rien, il y a deux jours que je Cassai une pedale de Ma harpe j’empruntai La sienne pour prendre robert, Le Lendemain je vais La Voir, d’un air de fort Mauvaise humeur elle me dit, je voudrois bien que vous me rendissiez Ma harpe tel que je vous La prête—ah C’est Le La que j’ai haussé je vais1 L’arranger—pendant que [. . .] je L’accorde elle se met a grognoner je ne sais quoi, moi qui ne savois d’ou Cela venoit ni a qui elle en vouloit, je dis que j’avois eu bien de La peine a jouer tant elle etoit haute—pardi c’est excellent elle est aussi basse qu’il est possible—moi je La trouve très dure et puis Les pedalles sont fausses extremement—ah C’est que vous avez depuis quelque tems L’oreille delicate—vous devenez si grande Musicienne—moi qui ne Le suis pas tant je n’y fais pas attention & & quest ce que tu as, je dis, ma Chere, tu est d’une singuliere humeur—adieu—une heure après elle vint Chez moi d’une Mine allongée a faire rire je n’ai fait semblant de rien—reellement il n’y a rien de Comique Comme Cette jalousie, sa femme de Chambre Croit que je suis jalouse d’elle et en même tems elle est au Moins plus jalouse de Moi que Sa Maitresse, si je fais quelque Chose de bien elle y trouve toujours quelque Chose de Mal, si on dit que je suis blanche—je n’ai pas L’air d’avoir une goutte de sang dans Les veines & & je Crois que tout Cela vient du tems des bals du Duc D…—elle a bien de La bonté de me Croire Le Même Caractere d’ailleur je Choisirois Mieux si je faisois tant que d’être jalouse, [. . .] rien ne M’amuse Comme de parler de Ces bals que Caroline me disoit B. tout Me Le Monde me demande qui vous êtes—que je dancois bien—& &—tu rirois trop de Voir [. . .] sa Mine—je ne Manque pas aussi de Lui dire que Ces dames Me parlent souvent de Mrs T. et B. qu’ils M’amusent de Leur respect & enfin j’ai L’air d’être persuadée que je suis jolie Comme un ange
a propos Elisabeth m’ecrivoit dernierement que La Sœur ainée de Mde robert avoit été Mise dehors de La Maison ou elle etoit pour avoir proposé au pere des dlles dont elle etoit gouvernante de L’epouser—si elle m’envoye Les détails que je Lui ai demandé a Ce sujet je te Les enverray—Miss grierson est partie, Ce fameux domestique est entré pour vendre ses Meubles j’ai été desêspérée de ne Le pas voir. on Le dit bien d’une jolie tournure et fort élégant Ce qui est incroyable C’est que pendant quelle jouoit du Clavecin et Chantoit il L’accompagnoit du violon et L’applaudissoit, Mde rodet dit qu’ils avoient L’air de bon accord, cela ne se peut arranger avec Ce que je t’ai Marqué—tout Ce que je peux imaginer C’est quelle Le Menage par rapport a son pere qui Lui a donné toute sa Confiance—elle demeuroit dans La Chambre de Kerovan, je Lui ai donné des Lettres pour Curson et Elisabeth en L’engageant beaucoup a nous donner de ses nouvelles, je ne serois pas étonnée quelle m’ecrivit quoique je ne Le Lui ai pas demandé directement, je Le voudrois bien Car j’avoue que Cette histoire M’intrigue fort—tu sais que j’aime a La folie tout Ce qui sent Le roman,==
editors’ translation
7 May [1790]
I am going to tell you about one of my little stupidities, so that you can make fun of me at your pleasure. In a letter from Curzon, 15 days ago, I thought I had read that she had received news from you since you were in America. I started crying like a madwoman. At last, two hours later, still sobbing and sighing strongly enough to light a fire, I wrote you the most sentimental letter that one can possibly write. I wrote that you must love me very little to prefer Curzon over me—that I am very sorry to have invested part of my happiness in your friendship, etc., etc. The next day, when I had somewhat calmed down, I saw very clearly that these tender reproaches would serve no purpose other than to make you burst out laughing. Besides, I could not decently write to you again before I had heard from you (I had sworn to it in that letter), and I was dying to do so, because I had all these stories to tell you. I decided to write you this letter without saying anything about that and, at the end, I would pretend I had received Curzon’s letter, just at that moment. I would then scold you, promising not to write to you anymore without an answer—Everything was well arranged, as you can see, except that, rereading the letter the other day, I saw that it said quite the opposite of what I had believed, and that Curzon complained about not having heard from you. So, I am now calmed down about that, but despite that, I declare to you that this is the last letter that I will send you without receiving an answer, and that you may be sure you will not hear from me again if you do not write to me. It is truly unbelievable that you have not written anyone for 6 months. Lady Elizabeth tells me that she believes that your father has forbidden you to do so. That is not possible, because it would lack any common sense. For what reason would he have done that? Mde de Villiers has been saying for a month that she will invite Mr Short for tea so that we can talk about you. If she does not do it within a few days, I will still send him this letter, because I want it to leave with the packet boat. When I sent the last one, I wrote him that I was beginning to believe that he was right to tell me that you would no longer remember your old friends once you arrived there. I am dying to see him in order to know whether he has fully recovered. I believe so. You are not worth the trouble of getting attached to. Yesterday I had a very amusing little run-in with D. For a long time I have suspected that she is a little jealous of me regarding the harp. We have had nearly the same number of lessons, and I think that she is not very happy that she is not as good as I am, and that this is the reason that prevents her from playing here. I told her the other day that I was going to hire a composition instructor. She started to snicker and to compliment me on my future talent—I acted as if I had not noticed anything. Two days ago I broke a pedal on my harp. I borrowed hers to take to Robert. The next day I went to see her, she seemed in a very bad mood, and she told me: “I wish you would return my harp as it was when I lent it to you”—“Oh, I raised the A. I am going to fix it”—While I was tuning it, she started grumbling I do not know what. Not knowing why or against whom she was muttering, I said that I had had quite some trouble playing, the harp was tuned so high—“My goodness, that is a good one! It is as low as possible”—“I find it very hard, and the pedals are extremely askew”—“Ah, that is because you now have a delicate ear—You are becoming such a great musician—I, not being such a good musician, pay no attention,” etc., etc.—“What is wrong with you?” I asked. “My dear, you are in a peculiar mood—Goodbye”—An hour later she came to my place with a face long enough to make you laugh. I pretended not to notice anything—Really there is nothing so funny as this jealousy. Her chambermaid thinks that I am jealous of her and, at the same time, she is at least as jealous of me as her mistress. If I do something right she always finds something wrong with it. If someone says that my skin is white, I look as if I have not a drop of blood in my veins, etc., etc. I believe this all dates back to the time of the balls at the Duke D’s.…—She is kind enough to believe that I have remained the same. And indeed, I would choose better if I took the trouble to be jealous. Nothing amuses me like talking about those balls, when Caroline would say to me “B., everyone asks me who you are”—that I dance well—etc., etc.—You would laugh if you saw the face she makes—I also do not fail to tell her that these ladies often speak to me of Messrs T. and B., whose respect amuses me, etc. All in all, I look as if I am convinced that I am as pretty as an angel
By the way, Elizabeth wrote me recently that Mde Robert’s eldest sister was thrown out of the house where she worked, because she proposed marriage to the father of the young ladies for whom she was the governess—If she sends me the details I asked for, I will send them to you—Miss Grierson has left. That famous servant came in to sell all the furniture. I was terribly disappointed not to have seen him. He is said to be good-looking, with a beautiful figure, and very elegant. What is unbelievable is that, while she played the harpsichord and sang, he would accompany her on the violin and applaud. Mde Rodet says that they looked like they were on good terms. This does not match what I wrote you—All I can imagine is that she spares him on account of her father, who trusts him completely—She lived in Kerovan’s room. I gave her letters for Curzon and Elizabeth and urged her to send us news of herself. I would not be surprised if she writes to me, although I did not ask her explicitly to do so. I would like it very much, because I confess that this story puzzles me greatly —You know that I love madly anything that has the scent of a romance novel==
To next “journal” entry, 9 May 1790